In The End
by romanticidiot
Summary: Slash. SiriusRemus. One Shot. AU. Sirius is still alive in DH, and he and Remus finally face up to some facts about each other, and themselves.


**Disclaimer:** All rights are awarded to JK Rowling and her affiliates.

**Warning:** Slash abounds ahead.

**In The End**

**By**

**Romantic Idiot**

Remus accidentally stood on the creaky step and winced as the sound reverberated through the house. He hoped Mrs Black was asleep, or at least too worn out to shriek. Hermione had been around earlier and had set the old portrait screaming its usual torrent of abuse. He'd been amused and relieved to see the girl give a pert flourish of her wand and an iron safe had closed around the painting. It wasn't permanent of course, but had given Hermione enough time to get past and deliver her news. More dead. When would it stop?

Remus decided Mrs Black wasn't going to wake everyone up so they could demand explanations of him. Everyone thought he and Sirius were at odds with each other, and they were, but their kind of argument was different. He continued his slow ascent to Sirius's room, wondering whether he'd chosen this room so far from the rest of his family, or whether he'd been given it, for the same reason. He thought of the decorations that still littered the walls, and sighed, wondering exactly how much damage Azkaban had done to the man that he couldn't bring himself to remove things he had put up to annoy his family, so long ago.

He reached the door and stood a moment to steel himself. Sometimes these encounters were as taxing as a transformation. If less physically scarring. Sirius was in his usual place, staring upwards at the ceiling, mapping out the edges of the banner he knew so well. Remus doubted he saw it anymore, and that what really went through Sirius's mind was memories of how he'd gotten it.

That particular banner was a prize, a well won bet with James that he couldn't get Lily to speak civilly to him. Remus was rather on James's side, until Sirius confessed that he'd only taken on the challenge to make Lily more amiable towards the Marauders; more chance of James winning her if she could tolerate his friends. Remus hadn't known how to take the warm, proud feeling that had washed over him at the thought of Sirius's huge heart. Although, he thought, he was probably the biggest recipient of Sirius's kindness.

'Sirius?' Remus asked quietly.

'I'm awake, Moony,' a voice from the darkness said, and Remus wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed, and hated himself for it.

'I brought you sticky date pudding,' he said, slipping inside and closing the door behind him.

'I smelt it cooking,' Sirius said, climbing over the bed and coming forward to meet his friend. Remus felt himself relax as Sirius's insatiable joy for food came out again, reminding him that his old friend still had some spark inside him after all. He wasn't sure if it was his imagination, but did Sirius seem even more eager for good food since his escape? Remus supposed it was only natural; he knew he'd be desperate for good food after years in Azkaban. Though Azkaban was probably a holiday compared to what would happen if he was captured …

'More muggles dead today,' Remus said eventually, hating that this was the only conversation he could bring to the room. The fork stilled on the way to Sirius's mouth.

'Honestly, Moony, while I'm eating?' he said, and Remus appreciated the attempt at humour. To stifle his sigh, he produced another fork.

'Well, you could share,' he said, and stole a scoop from the oversized plate in front of him. Molly had left Sirius an extra share, as she always did, knowing his penchant for sweets. All she knew was that Sirius had an unbelievable appetite; she didn't know that her portion fed two, most nights.

'You just had some,' Sirius grumbled, but didn't protest as Remus took another bite.

'Hours ago,' Remus said, his voice muffled. 'Yours tastes better anyway.'

'Yeah,' Sirius said, 'because it's _mine._'

'You'd get fat if I didn't help you eat it,' Remus said logically, and Sirius glared down at himself.

'I'm getting fat anyway cooped up in this house. Why can't I just take Polyjuice and go out, just sometimes?'

'Everyone is on the lookout for people sipping from hip flasks,' Remus told him, again. 'There is no where you could go. There's not even anything you can do. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are doing the only thing that could help us, whatever that is, the rest of us just try and prevent as many murders as we can.'

'Even that would be better than staying here waiting to be let out when the bad guys are gone,' Sirius grumbled. 'Why can't they just clear me? Surely there's proof by now.'

'There is,' Remus admitted. 'Once this is over, and the Ministry is ours again, yours will be among the first trials. Right now, the Ministry is so corrupt Arthur is the only one we can trust. Kingsley's been exposed, the other Weasley boy, Percy, hasn't made contact, and we don't know who to trust. And even if they weren't corrupt, freeing a criminal isn't on their list of priorities right now. We'll wait, Sirius, and then you'll be free.'

There was a silence, in which Remus could hear the echoes of every other speech identical to the one he'd just given. Sirius sighed.

'I know,' he said, and put down his fork, pushing the rest towards Remus. 'I just feel … dead. Is this how James felt under the Fidelius?'

The mention of James after all this time still made the pudding go heavy in Remus's stomach.

'I don't know,' he said softly. 'He did have Harry and Lily. But he also didn't know who he could trust.' The ache of that wound still came back. Would it ever go away? That they could suspect him, after everything … and trust _Wormtail_. He had never felt his lycanthropy as badly as at that point in his life. 'At least you know you can trust the Order this time.'

'Hermione is looking good,' he ventured after a long silence, playing with the remnants of the desert. 'I think she and Ron have finally come to an agreement.'

Sirius gave him a look.

'The same kind of agreement you and Tonks have?'

Remus choked on the last mouthful of pudding.

'What?'

'I've heard,' Sirius said. 'I've seen. She cares about you.'

Remus stared at him.

'I …'

'You don't have to deny it,' Sirius said. 'It's perfectly okay. Why shouldn't you be dating a member of my family?'

'Sirius, I'm not –'

'It's none of my business, of course,' Sirius said. 'Tonks is one of the good ones, at least. A little clumsy, but you've always been good at picking up pieces. She's flamboyant, too, but so am I, and you've gotten on well with me, well, most of the time.'

'Sirius, I'm not-'

'It's _okay,_ Remus. Really. I'm giving you my blessing. Or whatever. I can't deny you happiness in these times. I'm sure you wouldn't deny me, either, if I decided to date, oh, I don't know, Hermione?'

'Sirius! What-?'

'Well, she's always been a bit of a pet of yours, hasn't she? They all have. Almost like you're trying to take _my_ place. Always got you that they asked me to be godfather instead of you, didn't it? So now that I'm stuck here, and you can go and visit them, and check on them, teach them, defend them, you've decided to correct that oversight. Make them love you, and turn away from me. After all, you've been working for the Order, you've been risking your life, I've been in Grimmauld Place, turning to stone, doing nothing, sulking.'

'Sirius, they don't think like that, they don't, they love –'

'Don't be silly, Remus,' Sirius barked a laugh. 'They don't love me. They hardly know me. They know you. You got a whole year with them, teaching them, becoming their friend. You can send them Patronuses, and owls, talk to them over the dinner table when they're in. But I've got to stay up here and hide.'

'You could come down,' Remus tried. 'Harry looks for you, every time. There's always a place for you, no matter how many people are here.'

'I can't come down,' Sirius said. 'I'd just cast a shadow on everyone. I make things awkward. Everyone is thinking how sad I am, they're careful what they say. These aren't times for any sort of happiness or relief to be in jeopardy from one person. It's better if I stay up here and get forgotten.'

'That's not true,' Remus said. 'Nobody wants to forget you. It's you we're fighting for. It's you Harry fights for. You're all the family he has left. The boy lost his parents when he was one, he lived with family who hated him more than the Blacks hated you, and then he was released from that world to find that he's a marked man. All he's got to fight for is you. The world won't be any different for me if we win, there's no point fighting for me. He fights for the people who have lost their lifestyles, people like you, people who have lost their lives, like James, and Lily, and Dumbledore. He fights for Ginny, and Hermione, and Ron, and Molly, and Arthur, Tonks, Kingsley, Fred, George. He fights for love, because it's the one thing he's never had until now, and You-Know-Who is trying to take that from him.'

'Pretty,' Sirius said. 'Pretty words. But they don't mean anything. You're my past, Remus, stop trying to pretend I have a future. I'll still be Sirius Black the convicted murderer when all this is over. I'll be cleared, but people will still wonder about me, shun me in the street, and tell their neighbours they saw me glaring at them.'

'But you're _alive,_ Sirius, don't you see?' Remus pleaded. 'Many people live like that. I do. But you're alive, and you can do your best to do what you want. You are Harry's godfather. At some point you'll stop sulking and act like it.'

'So you do think you're a better mentor than me!' Sirius rose up, knocking away the desert dish. 'You always topped me in everything else, why not this as well?'

'I will never top you in Harry's affection, and I don't even want to try. I never topped you at school, either. I worked hard to level with you. I want Harry and the others to trust me, it's true. I work hard so that they will. I need them to trust me, Sirius, so that I can protect them. I have that ability where you do not, but Harry will never feel the same way about me that he does about you. You were his father's best friend, you're his godfather, you're the one he would go to with his problems if he wasn't afraid of this room.'

'What are you saying, Remus? It's time to be straight with me, after so long of pretending.'

'I've never pretended anything, Sirius!' Remus exclaimed. 'For Merlin's sake, we are all together in this war. We are doing everything we can to protect Harry, muggles, wizards. You could help with the planning, with ideas, with anything. Sitting up here isn't going to help anything except your sulkiness. The world treats everyone badly, Sirius, you're the only one who can't cope with it.'

'I spent years in Azkaban, Remus, I can't help it if I'm not the same person I was at Hogwarts.'

'I don't want you to be that person, Sirius. You're a lot older now. I would have thought you'd grown up. I've spent the same amount of time thinking my best friend was a murderer, unable to keep a job, running every moment away from memories. I didn't have Dementors looming over me, but you don't need magical creatures to make you lose your soul. The day I lost you, Sirius, was the day I lost that too. But I fight for this war, because I'm fighting for you. I'm fighting for the day I can see you walk down the street. Take Harry out for a drink. Go visiting if you choose. Buy groceries. Do whatever the hell you'd be doing if this hadn't happened. I haven't got a lot of soul left, but what I have, I give to you.'

Remus gave Sirius one last disappointed look, and left, leaving the desert dish where it was. He heard Sirius call his name, but he didn't even hesitate. It was time Sirius learnt a lesson. He'd been too weak to teach him until now, but he was tired of the disappointment on Harry's face when his chair stayed empty.

Remus found it hard to sleep without his late night excursions to Sirius's room. He had too much time on his hands, now, with nothing to fill it with except memories and regrets. He chose to go on more missions, contacted the trio more, hid more. He refused to go back to Sirius. This time Sirius would have to do the right thing.

But the hole inside him was deeper than he thought it would be. He hated hurting Sirius, speaking to him like that, and although he hadn't started it, he knew there were other ways he could have reacted. He was shocked and confused at the bitterness he heard in Sirius's voice when he talked about him and Tonks, and their imaginary relationship. They'd had something very small, after Dumbledore funeral, but it was really more a comfort thing. He knew she cared about him, but he found himself emotionally unavailable. He didn't like to think of why.

He wasn't sure whether he was imagining it. Perhaps it was only because Sirius was his oldest and dearest friend. Nobody could replace him in Remus's heart and it was his reluctance to let anyone try that made him wonder what was going on. Was this friendship really friendship? The way Sirius had spoken to him, had sounded so bitter, persuaded him that maybe this was less than a friendship. Maybe after all these years Sirius really had simply had enough of him. Could no longer tolerate the idea of a werewolf as a friend. Was this the natural progression of knowing each other so long? Of facing so much together, losing so much, and sharing so much distrust.

But then why was he so upset about the possibility of a relationship between him and Tonks? Did he really abhor his family so much that he wanted so little to do with them, even though Tonks was one of the good ones? How deep did Sirius's bitterness and mistrust go?

Yet somehow Remus thought it wasn't that. There was something more to Sirius's anger that he wasn't telling Remus. He tried not to think about it because there was no way of finding out until Sirius gave him some sign that he was ready to talk again.

The sign came in the form of Sirius emerging downstairs in freshly transfigured clothing that was his habitual black colour, but no longer the same depressing colour black. He had grey cuffs and buttons, and a grey stripe around the collar. Molly dropped her spatula when he came into the kitchen. Tonks stopped mid sentence, her hair changing to a vibrant orange. Arthur put down his paper quietly, and Remus mentally made himself invisible, sinking into the background as far as he could go.

'Have a cup?' Arthur asked him casually, and Sirius nodded stiffly, but his smile was relieved and friendly. His bones cracked as he sat down, but everyone pretended not to notice, and continued on in their conversation. Molly immediately put a fresh stack of toast down in front of him that had been intended for Arthur, and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

Remus watched him from the background, hoping his presence would go unrecognised. He noticed Sirius's eyes flick constantly to Remus's usual seat, and then to Harry's, Ron's, and Hermione's in turn. He wished they could have been there, but they'd gone out only yesterday on another mission. If he and Sirius were still speaking he could have … well, it didn't matter. He couldn't delay them, not with the important work they were doing … whatever it was.

Remus noticed that it didn't take long for Sirius to assimilate into the Grimmauld Place family as soon as he put some effort in. He still had moods of melancholia but he seemed to be making an effort to control them. Remus stayed out of his way as much as possible, taking to lurking in the shadows. He knew Sirius saw him there, and they had given each other nods in the hallway, but there had been no eye contact. Remus didn't know how to proceed. This was a gesture of goodwill on Sirius's part, but was he ready to reconcile with Remus, or only become a part of his godson's life again?

By accident they were left alone together in the kitchen, sipping tea and nibbling on Molly's toast. Remus was reading the paper, his focus ostensibly on an article about the latest cauldron bottoms, but his eyes hadn't moved from the first sentence.

'Is-is there anything good in there?' Sirius asked, a little timidly. It was the uncertainty in his voice that made Remus glance up. There was a hint of the schoolboy Sirius there, not entirely sure that he would be forgiven.

'No,' Remus said, 'it's rubbish, naturally.'

'Oh,' Sirius said quietly and looked down at his tea. 'Look … I know I was an idiot. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. I just … I'm scared. I don't want to get attached to anyone because I don't know if they're going to die … if I am. The last time I loved someone, they died because they were too trusting. Or not trusting enough. I'm scared of human nature getting in the way of things again. So much can go wrong.'

'So much can go right, too,' Remus said gently, and met Sirius's eye for the first time in weeks. In one glance he saw everything. It was like a reverse _legilimens._ Sirius had hidden out of fear, not sulkiness. He hid because he didn't want to die, but staying by himself for so long had driven other thoughts out of him, and let others in. Other thoughts that he'd wrestled with in Azkaban, but overcome by the desire to claim retribution on Peter.

In an instant, they were standing up and pushing back their chairs. Coming together with an impact that jarred them both, they were gripping at each other's backs, mumbling things into their shoulders and necks.

'I'm sorry,' Sirius said, and Remus echoed it, again and again, until they were leaning against the wall, supporting each other. Years of anxiety, mistrust, bitterness, and uncertainty came pouring out in a torrent of emotion. Remus did not like to lose control like this but he didn't have a chocie. It was too strong, and he needed it, and Sirius needed it, and nothing could stop them now.

Except Time, which saw them later, still leaning against the wall, just breathing together. Remus realised his arms were tightly around Sirius, and Sirius's head was at his collar bone. And that large hole that was deeper than he realised was closed up, and throbbing. And he realised.

'Sirius,' he said, with a tremble in his voice that was almost hoarse from emotion. Sirius stirred but didn't move, and all Remus could do was holder him tighter, terrified. Finally Sirius straightened and moved away, straightening his clothes, smoothing his hair. He looked the same as before, only now he looked lighter … brighter. They shared a long look, and Sirius turned to leave the room.

He paused for a moment at the door.

'Remus,' he said carefully. 'I haven't got a lot of soul left, either … but what I have, I give to you, too.'

He left the room, and Remus stood there stunned.

The trek up the stairs that night was fraught with more anxiety than before. Before he had only wondered what kind of mood Sirius was in, now he wondered …

The door was unlocked and slightly ajar. Remus poked his head in and saw Sirius at his desk, writing.

'I'm writing to Harry,' he said, unasked. 'I thought he should know … well, he's been gone a lot longer than I thought.'

'This happens, Sirius,' Remus said quietly, and put down the chocolate mud cake with difficulty. It was really too tempting.

'I know,' Sirius said, running his hand through his hair. 'I just … worry.' He smiled lamely.

'Me too,' Remus said, and put a hand on his arm. Sirius stiffened and Remus withdrew it, turning back to the table. Sirius stood, and Remus turned back to him to ask whether he wanted cake now, and found himself staring into Sirius's eyes. It felt like the first time.

Time stood still. Their eyes searched each other's, hoping, wondering, daring. This was all so new.

When they touched it was so gentle Remus nearly cried. It was only their hands, brushing against each other as they moved closer. Their gaze didn't break for a moment, until their eyes fluttered shut, and their lips met. They moved slowly against each other, amazed. Remus's hand gave a spasm and tightened around Sirius's. Their kiss became more.

They pressed against each other with more confidence, more joy. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and pulled him closer. Remus curled one hand in Sirius's collar, the other in his hair, and they stood, exploring, until they had to breathe.

'You meant it,' Sirius breathed in amazement. 'Your soul…'

'It belongs to you,' Remus said with a shaky laugh. 'Of course it does.'

**Author's Note**

Bit different from my usual stuff. I was so sick of setting it at school, and I read Deathly Hallows again the other day, so it was more in my head than any of the others, so it had to be AU.

Also the only guideline I had was, 'make it so Sirius is jealous'. Which I didn't really do, but whatever. This was another fic for Hannah, of course.

I'm not particularly pleased with it, I think I've lost my knack for fanfic, but I hope it's not too bad.

Yours,

RI.


End file.
